Its a lonely world we live in. Even when we are surrounded by people we are really alone.

No matter how well people get to know us we are still alone in our minds and no one really knows the deep dark thoughts that go on, in there.

How many times have you heard people say “they where so happy go lucky. i never would have said they would have done it.”, when they hear news that some one they know has killed themselves.

Often the most unhappy people are the ones who seem to be the happiest on the outside. they have had more pratice then any one at putting on a front. Alot of unhappy people should be getting ocars for just getting through the day with their mask still in place.

Over the past few months i have had a lot of pratice with this and my mask has slipped, leading people to believe that i am mentaly unsable. its more i cant bear the thought of people seeing just how much pain and turmoil i have going on inside of me, every waking moment. Every really happy moment i have is tinged because it is always followed by a desprate one.

If you listen to cbt therapists they say acting happy will help make you happy. Mind over matter and all that. In my experince that doesnt really work, not really. Others i have talked to say that it has worked for them and i am merely not trying hard enough.

I’ve been trying for a year and somehow things still happen that make the happy mask slip. One of the ways i have told to get rid of the turmoil inside is to write it down, anywhere, any how. get it out and try and leave it behind.

Well heres trying.

Anythings worth a try right. God knows i cant be on anti-depressants for ever. The longer i’m on them the more damage is happening to my heart and the more dependant i become on them.

I recently had to have my meds halfed within a couple of weeks as they where messing with the electric impulses of my heart. Currantly waiting to see if any long term damage has been done to my heart. If it has then i will have to take other meds to combat the damage. Not fun. I’m only 24 and up until the past year or so i have been very healthy and didnt have to take pills for anything other then period pain and the odd cold and flu pill.

I know in the grand scheme of things i dont really have much to complain about, but in my head whats happening is pretty much the end of my world.

I have a son and he is the only reason that i have never tried anything to end the turmoil. I have never understood how people could end it all when they have wonderful beautiful child in their lives, and even now i still dont. I still think in a way they are selfish ending it all and taking themselves perminatly away from those who love them.

Even more so the ones who do it by jumping in front of trains. Not only are they ruining their families lives they are ruining the life of the train driver. an innocent person who is just trying to make a living. My great uncle was a train driver and he had three people kill themselves by jumping in front of his train. Even though he suffered with dementia towards the end he always remembered in great detail every part of what happened the people died.

The first one happened when he was driving a steam train and the first he knew about it was getting a face full of human guts and a hand fly into the cabin.

The other two he saw coming as he was driving a modrenish train and even though each time there was nothing he could do about it, he always dwelt on the fact that there should have been something anything else he could have done to stop them dying under his wheels.

I understand feeling the need to not want to wake up in the morning. to have it all end, welcome death. but i dont understand planning it and then going through with it.

I know some one who tried to go through with an overdose and researched which where the best over the counter pills to do it with and how many they would need. Thankfuly they werent successful and are still around today in a much better place then they where at the time. But, i cant pretend to understand their reasoning behind it and the methodical way they went about doing it. I gues it must just be something that the person at that time understands and no one else, even if they have tried it themselves can understand someone elses reasoning.

But on the same token there are cultures who consider it an honorable act in certain circumstances. for instance when the buddist monk set himself on fire in protest in Tibet. He harmed no one else and made the world aware of what was happening in his country at the time. Sadly things havent changed there yet but the world is watching.

Another form is suicide bomber. Often they are “brainwashed” into believeing that it is what their god/cult leader wants them to do. I find it hard to believe that any loving god/leader would want their followers to kill them selves and others for them. More often then not it is the innocent who are harmed and not the very people the suicide bombers and their ilk are wanting to kill.

Over all we are all just lonely and in need of someone to love us, help us live well and chase away the dark when it threatens to over whelm us. Without that someone to help we are often even more alone and unable to cope.