I have posted a couple of blog posts on here that make for very hard reading about my current situation. Reading that i will not take down but i more than likely shouldnt have posted in the first place.

The reason i wont take them down is that they helped convince my doctor that i need help to get back into a positive mental state after the past couple of years, and that i’ve made progress in admitting those posts arent helpful in any situation.

During the past coupole of weeks i have lashed out and ignored people who only wanted to help me and destoried relationships in some cases beyond repair. Thats all on me and to be honest i wouldnt blame some of those people if they never wanted to talk to me again after some of things i have said. Not a nice thing to admit about yourself but the truth never the less.

I’ve forgotten that i’m not the most important person in the world, my son is. All i’ve seen is my hurt feelings and tried to get what i consider my right by any means at my disposal. Which in turn has made things hard on my son. Which really is the last thing i want. He has gone through enough in his short life thanks to me letting him down, with out me adding to the problem by being a total bitch to every one else.

Yes it still hurts hearing him say that this woman my ex is dating is his mother, but at least now my ex corrects him and explains to him that i am his only mother. And, yes i wanted to hurt this woman last week when i got a call from my son who was in sheds of tears cause this woman had upset him. It was hard having to reasure him that this woman didnt mean to upset him by not doing something he expected her to do. But it was what i had to do to make my son happier.  After that call i talked to his father and it ended in a row with me telling him to leave this woman for the sake of my son. Most diffinately something i shouldnt have said, and something i would have thought before i said it that i would never say.

Its not a surprise that my ex stopped me talking to my son for a couple of days after the way i exploded at him.

I could just try and take the easy way out. Blame it all on the depression i have been suffereing from since not long after my son was born. But that wouldnt be the whole truth. Some of it has jsut been me lashing out at people trying to get them to hurt just as much as i am at that moment in time.

This woman makes my ex happy, and to a degree she makes my son happy. which is all that should matter. And something i have been forgetting lately. When it comes to my son anything i feel or want isnt important. What is important is making sure that my son is happy healthy, keeps in touch with my side of his family and knows that even though i dont live with him he’s the most important thing in my life and i’ll always be there for him in any way i can.

I’ve hurt him and let him down enough without adding to it. And by lashing out at his father and trying to make him leave this woman that only going to hurt him and let him down futher.

Its about time i grew up and started acting like a proper mother to my son. I’ve got a long hard journey to break the habits i’ve gotten into and making myself the good person people want to know and fall for. Till then i cant expect anyone to want to be around me, or with me. God knows i’m going to try my hardest to beat the way i have been, and i will more then likely have times when i fail to do the right thing and make things worse for a while. But with the right help and support from the people who haven’t been pushed away its a journey that it possible to make. With the right help i’ll go back to being the person i like and reconise. The mother my son deserves. Cause after all i have done and let happen to him, he still some how loves me and expects me to be a good person.

And thats just what i’ll be. Hell at the end of the day, it’ll make my sons life better if his mother and father can get on and be civil to eachother partners if we cant be mates with thim.

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