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Love

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It comes in many forms.

Theres the love we have for our parents. We may not always like them but we still love them. Hell the several times I’ve told my parents that I hate them and will never like them again. I’ve rarely told them that I didn’t love them any more. And I may have meant it at the time, but very quickly realised I didn’t really mean it.

I love my mother, even though for the past 18 months she’s not been there for me and we didn’t talk for nearly a year. I have always loved her as any child loves their mother and have gone through many months of hating the ground she walked upon. we’re working on getting along better now. And if it wasn’t for that love we share we still wouldn’t be talking now.

Theres the love we have for our children. The love that eclipses all others. We will never love someone as much as we love our kids. Thats just part and parcel of being a parent.

Since becoming a mother myself I have found my ability to love has grown with each day that passes. And that love is all directed at my son. As I only have a single child I don’t know how parents with two or more deal with the amount of love they have inside of them. I know from talking to parents that they found with each child their ability to love and hold it inside grows and grows.

I don’t know how people who have more than one kid get anything done during the day. My son is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. Not an hour of the day goes by without me thinking of him. Maybe its something that you deal with and gets less distracting as your child grows older.

Theres the love we have for our friends. We all have one or two mates who it doesn’t matter how long it is since you last spoke or saw each other, when you get together again its as if no time has passed at all.

Theres the mates who you go to when you need a pick me up or talk about your problems with. You love them all but, in different ways and for different reasons. But, in a way that love is fleeting. It can come and go and be transferred to others who fill the need when we have one.

Theres the love with have for our partners. It can come on strong and fast. And burn out fairly quickly. Or it can build over time becoming bigger and stronger. Something that doesn’t burn out and gives you the greatest gift you could have apart from children.

I know that the love i have for my ex was something that burned bright after meeting him and grew as we got to know each other. We knew each other for three years before we got together. So we missed out a lot of the getting to know each other bit whilst starting a romantic relationship.

Our love lead to us getting engaged after six months, moving in together three months later, and on our years anniversary we conceived the most amazing child in existence. A child who was born a year and two days after we moved in together.

That love got us through hard times and untill recently we still had the shared love. Something for us both to hold onto while we went through a tough time.

That changed when she entered the scene, my exes new partner. He turned his feelings for me off and unto her. I can’t blame him for that, not really. He made the choice to move on and only let me know after he did it. That hurt and hell I still havent managed to move on yet.

that’s something I have to deal with in my own sweet time. just wish that it was sooner rather than later.

Talking of exes there is the love we have for them. They helped make us who we are. If we hadn’t had that love for them and allowed them into our lives then we wouldn’t have had the experiences we did. We would be without some of the happy memories they helped make.¬† We wouldn’t be able to know what makes us happy in a relationship and what doesn’t.

So all in all we have love in our lives even when we feel we don’t. And even though its hard to hold onto that fact. It’s still true.

Asexuality part two

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So I posted about this a couple of weeks ago and how people who live with it must find life hard.

After watching an episode of House I think their lives may have just got a little harder.

In it there was a couple who had been married for ten years and where living an asexual lifestyle. Which there’s nothing wrong with. But, being House there had to be something wrong with them.

After House being house it was discovered that there was something wrong with the man in the marriage. He had a brain tumor and it affected his se drive and erectile functions.

Ergo your only asexual if you have a brain tumor.

That’s not the case for most people. For most of them they really don’t have anything wrong with them, they just don’t have the same urges that many people do. They don’t feel the need to have sex with either sex and are just happy to have a companion to share their lives with.

A lot of people and I include myself in that number, don’t understand what it must be like for those people. How you could go through life without enjoying and wanting sex. But, that doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with them. It just means that the life I have led doesn’t allow for me to understand that lifestyle.

As far as I’m aware I don’t know anyone who is asexual so I can’t ask them about it and find out just what life is like for them.

The only good I can see coming out of this episode of House is that more people will become aware of asexuality. Even if it means they wrongly believe that it only happens because of a brain tumor.

Maybe people will realise that yes asexuality could be caused by something like a brain tumor, but for most people that’s just not the case.

I wonder how many people who suffer because of their sexuality have made appointments to see a doctor in the hope that their maybe something wrong with them after all. It wont be the last time people have seen something on TV and got themselves checked out. A lot of the time there is nothing wrong with them. But, on the odd occasion there is and they where able to get the treatment needed in time.

Hopefully people will be able to tell that House is just a tv show that deals with limited issues in a short amount of time. And, as such when they do something and have a certain out come it just means that its one outcome and there must be other ways and outcomes of anything that appears on the show.

Press complaints commission.

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The press complaints commission is closing down.

Surely in an ideal world it would be a big deal. Having the body that’s there for you air your grievances against the press close down. But it really isn’t.

The commission hasn’t been effective for a very long time. People have complained to it hoping for the commission to sort out bad reporting, but often the opposite has happened. With the issues being complained about being pushed further in the public by the press. Much like a child being told no and doing it any way. Repeatedly.

And let’s be honest, they where never really going to do anything against the press Its a body made up completely of people who work within the press. So it’s in their best interest to keep the bodies that own the press on side.

So are we the public going to notice any change? Doubtful.

How many people have noticed the PCC being active since it was started? Very few.

How many people have had their issues resolved by the PCC? Again very few.

How many people have heard anything good about the PCC in the time since its launch? Again very few, if any.

So will something replace the PCC?

As far as I’ve been able to work out no. And I don’t think it would be a good idea to set another version of it up any time soon. Theres too much bad feeling towards anything that should protect people from the press.

If the PCC had done its job properly then there wouldn’t be a need for it to close. People would feel safe knowing that there was something other than the court to protect them and theirs.

Going through the court system to get things sorted out is expensive and the press will always have a lot more money to throw at the process and drag it out as long as possible.

Which given the way the law is written and just how slippery the lawyers can be, it could take years to get a one sentence retraction printed in the back of the paper. One sentence that is over looked by everyone, even the people who are looking for that sentence.

One sentence to say sorry for destroying someones life. For making them undesirable number one. Changing everything that anyone ever thought of them. Including their own loved ones and friends who have known them for years.

There needs to be time for the dust to settle and for people to move on from this disaster that has been the PCC.

And when the time is right start-up another commission to keep the press in check. One that isn’t run by people who’s livelihoods depends on keeping the press on side. Something that has the power to truly stand up to the press and make them behave. And when they have done wrong, make sure that their apologies are printed in the same way and prominence that the original article was printed in.

Supernatural part 3

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So shapshifters.

They come in all different shapes, sizes and abilities. From the ones who can change into any shape they choose, including other people. To ones who can only change into certian shapes at certian times of the month.

For example werewolves. The lore surounding them is varied, from them being able to change only when there is a full moon, to them having to work hard to not “wolf out”. They either run in packs or are the ulitmate lone wolf trying to find somewhere they can call home.

There are as many stories about werewolves as there are about vampires. Mostly they come from the cold north. Areas like Norway and Sweden, where wolves where a problem that had to be dealt with on a daily basis.

In most of the werewolf stories to become one you have to survive an attack by one. Normally being on the verge of death for the virus to take control of your bady. In that way it is very similar to the way you become a vampire. There are a couple of stories where if both your parents are were wolves.

There are other shifters who turn in things like bears, beavers, swans etc. Often things that are common around where the story originated. Alot of the ones that are about shifters who shift into things that arent wolves are so they can move around unseen, do things that they wouldn’t be able to do as a human.

Alot of those ones seem to be mainly based aroun hunting and bringing a meal home to your family.

But the ones who turn into things like rats, swans etc, are mainly food for the other types. They are lesser beings and to be used as such.

 

 

 

Being an absent parent.

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It’s not easy being an absent parent.

I am one through things that I did and allowed to happen to my son 18 months ago.

At the time I was on my own with an active 18 month old and a partner who worked away all week. I was on high levels of anti depressant‘s and even taking diazepam during part of the time this happened.It would be very easy to blame everything that happened on my being depressed and taking a mixture of prescribed drugs. But that’s not all it was. Part of it was that and part was being on my own with a challenging toddler, who before he was ten months old had started walking, climbing and jumping off things.

So some things happened and he got some injuries that I couldn’t explain, even now the best part of two years later. My son was taken into care. My partner who I was supposed to be marrying kept me believing that we had a future together, and social services and the police got involved and made it so I wont be allowed to be left alone with my son until he’s eighteen.

In the space of three weeks I was involved in a car crash, had the news that the now ex partner had found someone new to play mummy to my son, and that he was only keeping me hanging on so he had someone to help him get his rocks off. And was told by the judge that I can only spend four hours once every two weeks with my son with someone supervising our time together untill he turns 18.

Needless to say the past few months have been a strain. One which during the little time I have with my son I have to work really hard to keep away from him.

As an absent parent, I live every day with the guilt of not being there for my son during the day. On top of the guilt of knowing in all likely hood I hurt the one person in this world I would do anything to make sure they didn’t know pain or were hurt in any way.

I’m not the first parent who’s in this position and I’m far from being the last. I’m unusual in the fact that as a mother I am the one who was turned into an absent parent. Ninety percent of the time its the fathers who are put in this position.

It’s not just parents who have kids who got injured who are in this position. theres also the unamiable splits, where the parents are so concerned with trying to hurt each other that they end up going to family court and one will have their access to their child restricted. Or if they don’t go to the family court, one will end up being made to feel like the big bad wolf so badly and regularly that they end up not seeing their child at all.

Now I’m lucky in that I am still able to see my son and my father is the one who supervises my time with my son. Which is for the best considering that my ex and I cant be in the same room for more then ten mins without argueing.we both end up shouting and calling the other a lair. Which we both believe about the other whole heartedly.

The trust between the two of us is gone and I don’t know if we will ever get it back. Which isn’t in the interest of our son. who needs two parents that can get on and be friendly whenever they are around each other.

Going through all this has made me realise just how screwed up someone must be to never see their child again. To be a complete absent parent, has to be the hardest thing in the world. It’s hard enough for me not see my son for thirteen days out of fourteen.

But by the same token its hard on the child. I know from how my son gets that if I need to go to the loo during our time together my son really doesn’t like it and gets clingly when I get back to him. When its time to leave he always wants just one more hug and one more kiss.Tangling his hands in my hair so I cant leave him.

I know from talking to other parents who only see their kids occasionly that the same thing happens to them. That their kids will play and join in whatever activity is happening, but the kids keep an eye on where they are at all times and get distressed when they lose sight of the parent.

We were all told that this was in the childs best intrest, but how can it be when the child grows up without both their parents around full time. Never really understanding what happened to put them in this situation. Not knowing how one faceless person has come to the conclusion they did and wont change their mind no matter how the circumstances change. With only having limited time with one where they get disstressed if they lose sight of the parent and when its home time.

Theres no easy answer to any of this. But i know that my son wants his family living together under one roof and getting along. I would do anything to make that happen. Nothing would be too hard or bad for me not to do it, to make my sons wish come true.

I love my son more then anything, and dispite everything that has happened i am still very much in love with my ex. Even though i know that he hates me and wishes he had never got involved with me, or atleast left me and took my son before all this happened.

We cant change whats happened in the past. All we can do is make the best of here and now. Which in my case is waiting around for my son to make one of his twice weekly calls, weeing him once a fortnight. And, making and sending him his special cards which he tells me he loves getting, and has started telling me what he wants ont he card next.

To all parents out there who dont get to see their kids as much as they like, you have my love and empathy.

To all kids out there who doesnt get to see their mum or dad as much as they like, remember they love you more than anything and think about you evey day. The highlight of their day, week, month or year is being able to speak to and see you.

Same goes for the grown up kids who ahve moved away to uni or to start their own life and family. No matter who old you get your parents will always be thinking of you and wishing they would be with you. Even when you drive them wild.

Cross Stitch.

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So I recently took up cross stitching again. With everything that’s been going on the past couple of years stitching has taken a backseat. It’s the only craft I’ve ever been even ha;lf good at.

One of the main reasons why I like it you can stab the adia as hard as you like and no one gets hurt. Well as long as you remember to keep your fingers out-of-the-way. As a stress relief its a good one. No one and nothing gets damaged. no matter who pissed off you are.

If you have the time and the inclination you can stitch pretty much anything you can imagine. Through out history important moments have been caught with the use of a needle and thread. For example the Bayeux tapestry.

It’s something that is also associated with monied women who didn’t have anything to do. Women who had nurses and governess’ to look after their children. In all period portrayals the wealthy women are shown to sit around talking while stitching. Always without a chart or even a picture to work from.

Now I have never been that good and I doubt that I will ever be that good. Theres too much life to be involved with to spend the time needed to be that good.

Theres tones of magazines that you can buy, which come with easy to stitch kits on the front. Often the kits can be stitched within a couple of hours. In other words something to do to fill an evening when there’s nothing better to do.

Inside they contain plenty of different design ideas you can do. More often than not centered around the time of year. At the moment with Mothers day just two weeks away, they are full of different designs you can do for you mother. Even if it’s just a little card that you do for her, It would mean the world to her that you took the time out to her something she can keep.

If your mothers anything like mine and me, she’ll keep it in a special box or something where she keeps everything you have ever made for her or given her in the past.For example most of the pictures my son ahs done for me are stuck to my bedroom wall, with one tucked into the case for my kindle, so I have it every where I go.

Theres also loads of internet sites you can go to that have charts on them you can print off and do at home, as well as various tips to help make stitching easier and faster. Theres various sites for people of all skill levels. Everything from total beginners who are looking for something easy to start with. Right up to advance stitchers who are looking for the next challenge.

Just because a design is huge doesn’t mean that it is hard to do. Some of the hardest ones I have attempted to do where in fact only a few inches big. The thing that makes them hard is all the different types of stitches that you could need to do to make the picture. Half or even quarter stitches are the bane of any stitchers life, to the point where I have and know others have chosen not to do a design because of the amount of none full stitches in the design.

This past week I have started and completed five designs of no more than two inches wide and four inches high. Of those five four where for my son and the other just one I wanted to do.

My son loved getting “special cards” through the post and sent to him. He calls them special because he knows that I have spent time making them for him. He’s given me a list of things that he wants me to make for him. Some of which he wants sent to him in the post, others which he wants me to give to him in person.

So for the next goodness knows how long I’m going to be trolling the sites and magazines trying to find a pattern for the things he wants. God knows where I’m going to find a good Blackpool Football Club pattern to do for him.

Next project before doing one for my son is a Mothers day card to go along with the ring I got for her. Got all my bases covered that way. A nice home made card for my mother and a ring with a stone for each of her children and a small diamond for her one and only amazing grandson. But then I would say he’s amazing. I gave birth to him.

Our visit to the police museum.

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Since the weather wasnt that great we planned on spending time indoors. As my son is going through a I love policeman, firemen and ambulance men phase, we took him to the open day at the GMP museum.

It’s not the biggest museum you’ll ever visit. Being set in an old city center police station. Theres two levels to the museum, which to get to the first floor you have to go out into the court-yard and then enter a different part of the museum.

When you first enter the shop there’s a little shop which leads to a cloakroom. We had to run to stop the little man from climbing the old metal spiral staircase.

The next room is a large old garage which still has various styles of motorbike that the police have used over the past few years.

The little man loved the bikes, leaning over the rope to stroke the wheels and whatever else he could reach of the front of the bike. Not entirely sure where he gets this love of bikes from as no one in my family likes them and as far as I am aware no one he now spends time with likes them either.

Not sure I’m entirely happy about him wanting to ride a motorbike.They seem to be taking danger to the extreme in a world where there is plenty of danger out there without adding to it.

Across from the bikes they had set up a little area where he could try on different styles of police uniforms and hats. This brought about lots of laughter from me and my dad. The uniforms where the orignal adult sizes and drowned the little man. Somehow managed to get a few not very good pictures of him dressed up. If the little man isn’t in the mood to have his picture taken your often lucky to get a smudged picture of the back of his head.

The next room was full of case’s with battions, all the different styles of hand cuffs, swords, and manikin’s dressed in uniforms that were too old to allow excitable kids like mine to play with. And this is the point my three-year olds attention span snapped and he just wanted to get through the rest of museum at light speed.

Which considering the size of the museum didn’t take long at all. I’m not doing the museum a disservice by saying that it wouldn’t take long to do it at a normal pace looking closely at everything. It’s a small museum set in a not very large building with limited space.

My son wasnt interested in looking to closely at the 1950’s detectives desk. Took a little time over looking at the weapons taken from criminals over the years. He was quite impressed with the collection of brass knuckles they had. Even suggesting that I might like one as I wear a few rings normally. He really loved seeing the mace and wanted to have a go with it. He has no sense of danger at the best of times, (or sometimes pain. He can bang his head or fall over in a way that anyone else would voice hurt, but he doesn’t notice.), so there’s no way in hell he should ever be allowed near a rubber mace, never mind a real one.

The next thing we looked at was the booking office which after a quick glance he decided wasnt interesting enough to keep him there. Just off the booking room is four tiny cells that at times held up to twenty people at once. Standing room only has a whole new meaning after seeing these cells.

Upstairs there is an old magistrates court which unusually has two witness boxes. A room with a protector playing video of crimes the police have attended and how they solved them. The little man was only interested in that particular room for as long as the screen was showing fire and people fighting it.

Once we got back down stairs he had his picture taken with a police officer and then went on to the shop. Where bless him he didn’t ask for everything in the shop. He merely wanted a couple of things. A twisted straw with a policeman holding tightly to it, a postcard with a picture of a policeman on a motorbike and a fuzzy little police ball that he can stick on to things.

All in all it was a good visit and the little man wants to go back there.

Just like he also wants to go and play on the water feature in Piccadilly gardens again. He loved running up and down the lines of water and even running over them. Getting as drenched as possible in the process.

One thing I learnt after that is it’s not a good idea to try to change his clothes in a toilet where to flush you just pass your hand over a sensor on the wall. He’s too busy trying to make it flush again to help you change him. Not that he likes getting changed at the best of times.

We went and picked a notebook each for us to write about our days¬† out together in. I let him pick mine and he went with an A4 Eeyore one for me to full and give to him when it’s full. He picked a little winne the poo one that has an elastic band attached to it that he can use to keep the book closed.

Hopefully he can read what I have written in it. As I don’t have the best handwriting. But its something that we can share as time goes by and it will help remind us of the fun we have together during the brief times we are allowed to be together.

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