It’s not easy being an absent parent.

I am one through things that I did and allowed to happen to my son 18 months ago.

At the time I was on my own with an active 18 month old and a partner who worked away all week. I was on high levels of anti depressant‘s and even taking diazepam during part of the time this happened.It would be very easy to blame everything that happened on my being depressed and taking a mixture of prescribed drugs. But that’s not all it was. Part of it was that and part was being on my own with a challenging toddler, who before he was ten months old had started walking, climbing and jumping off things.

So some things happened and he got some injuries that I couldn’t explain, even now the best part of two years later. My son was taken into care. My partner who I was supposed to be marrying kept me believing that we had a future together, and social services and the police got involved and made it so I wont be allowed to be left alone with my son until he’s eighteen.

In the space of three weeks I was involved in a car crash, had the news that the now ex partner had found someone new to play mummy to my son, and that he was only keeping me hanging on so he had someone to help him get his rocks off. And was told by the judge that I can only spend four hours once every two weeks with my son with someone supervising our time together untill he turns 18.

Needless to say the past few months have been a strain. One which during the little time I have with my son I have to work really hard to keep away from him.

As an absent parent, I live every day with the guilt of not being there for my son during the day. On top of the guilt of knowing in all likely hood I hurt the one person in this world I would do anything to make sure they didn’t know pain or were hurt in any way.

I’m not the first parent who’s in this position and I’m far from being the last. I’m unusual in the fact that as a mother I am the one who was turned into an absent parent. Ninety percent of the time its the fathers who are put in this position.

It’s not just parents who have kids who got injured who are in this position. theres also the unamiable splits, where the parents are so concerned with trying to hurt each other that they end up going to family court and one will have their access to their child restricted. Or if they don’t go to the family court, one will end up being made to feel like the big bad wolf so badly and regularly that they end up not seeing their child at all.

Now I’m lucky in that I am still able to see my son and my father is the one who supervises my time with my son. Which is for the best considering that my ex and I cant be in the same room for more then ten mins without argueing.we both end up shouting and calling the other a lair. Which we both believe about the other whole heartedly.

The trust between the two of us is gone and I don’t know if we will ever get it back. Which isn’t in the interest of our son. who needs two parents that can get on and be friendly whenever they are around each other.

Going through all this has made me realise just how screwed up someone must be to never see their child again. To be a complete absent parent, has to be the hardest thing in the world. It’s hard enough for me not see my son for thirteen days out of fourteen.

But by the same token its hard on the child. I know from how my son gets that if I need to go to the loo during our time together my son really doesn’t like it and gets clingly when I get back to him. When its time to leave he always wants just one more hug and one more kiss.Tangling his hands in my hair so I cant leave him.

I know from talking to other parents who only see their kids occasionly that the same thing happens to them. That their kids will play and join in whatever activity is happening, but the kids keep an eye on where they are at all times and get distressed when they lose sight of the parent.

We were all told that this was in the childs best intrest, but how can it be when the child grows up without both their parents around full time. Never really understanding what happened to put them in this situation. Not knowing how one faceless person has come to the conclusion they did and wont change their mind no matter how the circumstances change. With only having limited time with one where they get disstressed if they lose sight of the parent and when its home time.

Theres no easy answer to any of this. But i know that my son wants his family living together under one roof and getting along. I would do anything to make that happen. Nothing would be too hard or bad for me not to do it, to make my sons wish come true.

I love my son more then anything, and dispite everything that has happened i am still very much in love with my ex. Even though i know that he hates me and wishes he had never got involved with me, or atleast left me and took my son before all this happened.

We cant change whats happened in the past. All we can do is make the best of here and now. Which in my case is waiting around for my son to make one of his twice weekly calls, weeing him once a fortnight. And, making and sending him his special cards which he tells me he loves getting, and has started telling me what he wants ont he card next.

To all parents out there who dont get to see their kids as much as they like, you have my love and empathy.

To all kids out there who doesnt get to see their mum or dad as much as they like, remember they love you more than anything and think about you evey day. The highlight of their day, week, month or year is being able to speak to and see you.

Same goes for the grown up kids who ahve moved away to uni or to start their own life and family. No matter who old you get your parents will always be thinking of you and wishing they would be with you. Even when you drive them wild.