I have one son who I have spoken about in earlier posts.

The chances are he will be my only child. Which is something that I never thought would happen. I always thought that i would have a handful kids. I love kids and enjoy being around them as they experience things and seeing the wonder in their faces when they do something new.

Because of something that happened a couple of years ago I find myself in a position when I can’t bring myself to even think about having another child.

Two years ago my son was taken from my care by social services. after a long court battle my ex who at the time this all happened I was still with and planning to marry got sole care of my son after we agreed to spilt up.

At the court session I was told that I would only be allowed to see my son under supervised conditions for just a few hours a month. This is because I failed my son by getting ill and not providing the sort of living environment that he needed. During this time I feel I wasnt given the help I need to be the mother that my son needs. Even after I asked for help and tried hard to do the things that help set out for me.

Hell even two years after this all started social services still havent got my name and date of birth right. I mean how hard is it to make sure that a name and date of birth are right. It took nearly a year to get them to admit that i wasnt brought up in a single parent household in the area i was living in at the time and that the man i was engaged to really was my sons biological father. Bit hard for him not to be considering that he was the only man i had slept with for two years before my son was born. Hell un like a lot of people out there i have only slept with two people in my entire life. both of whom i was oin a long term relationship with. Not because of religious reasons. More because i brought up to believe that taking taht last intimate step is something you should only do when you really care about someone and are planning on being with them for a long time.

According to socail services this makes me niave and inexperince. How the hell can not sleeping around be turned into a bad thing?

At the same session I was told that from now on till I die I will have a note on my medical records that means that if I ever get pergant social services will be informed. This is something that will hang over me for life and will have to disclose to anyone I may be starting a relationship with.

It’s not something that I could hold off telling someone till I was sure that we could go the distance. Thats just not fair on that person. So they would need to be told as soon as it was clear that there was something between us. Thats a lot to put on someone. And hope that they can deal with it. I’m not sure that I could deal well with it if I was on the receiving end of news like that.

This order waput on my records fairly quickly which i found out when i went to the doctors after suffering a misscarriage. Since i had lost the child there wasnt any need for socail to find out. Yes up until recently i was still sleeping with my ex as i believed thatthere was a chance we could still be a proper family with our son.

He recently realy hurt me when he told me he had started a relationship with a new girl and that he had been looking for a way out of our relationship even before socail got involved. Which let me tell you was news to me. Theres no way in hell i would have carried on sleeping with him if i knew he felt that way. Hell he hasnt even traded me in for a better model. she’s younger then me but every one agrees i am the better looking and thinner. The main comment about her i have heard is she looks like the back end of a bus and has a not very nice personilty.

I went off the rails and caused probs for him and this girl. Even calling the police on this girl after hearing some concerning stuff about her from my son. It turns out that there was nothing to it and after a few days suspended from her work things are back to normal for her. Do i feel guilty? Not at all. I was merely trying to look after my son from a postion of not knowing this girl and only going off what my son told me about her.

Not being in a good mental place before this happened due to depression i prob way over reacted. And because of that and the results of doing what i thought was best for my son, all be it missguided i am in a worse place then i was and things are pretty bleak right now.

There will always be a part of me that loves my ex. He helped create the most amazing child in the world. But there will always be a part of me that hates him for allowing things to get out of control by working away from home when he knew i wasnt coping well. Leading me on and dropping me like a piece of rubbish when some girl bats her lashes at him. And even hearing through the grape vane that he doesnt believe i have the misscarriage. He wont even talk to me about it anymore as we “dont have the emotional connection” thats needed to do so any more.

He’s moved on with his life and is now with a girl who’ll be able to give him as many kids as they want witout any problems.

Yes i hate her because of that. And the fact that she has taken everything away from me that my ex promised. all within a sort space of time.

I cant help how i feel about her.

Just like i cant help the fact that any future partner of mine will have to deal with me not being able to give him kids with out there being a question mark over if we get to bring them up ourselves.

I couldn’t put someone else through that. Having to go through having every part of your life examined by people who are looking for a reason to take your child away from you. The possiblity of that child being taken away. what sort of life ould that child have. spending the first god knows how long being a ward of the state while the court waits for socail services to tell it what to do.

Knowing that they would have to ave been a super man to deal with the baggage i come with and the fact that they will never ever be number one in my heart. That place belongs only to my son, and takes up so much of my love i dont know if i have any left over for someone else.

Just how badly would it effect the child i already have? Knowing that there is a brother or sister growing in mummys tummy and then being told that they cant meet them because some cold hearted witch came and took the baby away as soon as it was out of mummys tummy.

Just how badly would the stress i would be going through effect the baby as it grows within me. Would it cause complications for the baby? Could the stress of the situation result in another child?

It wouldnt be fair to put anyone through that. even more so the child i already have. the one who didnt ask for this to happen and doesnt understand why mummy and daddy arent together anymore, why he cant spend more time with mummy or call her when ever he wants to.

God only knows what the future may hold. But for me it more then likely holds never having a true relationship with someone again and growing old having only hjad one child who by a twist of fate and the innterferance of socail services is being brought up in a broken home whilst he father brings other women into his life.