After all the things that have happened over the past two years I have no confidence and very little self esteem.

It’s hard to keep a hold of them when everyone around you is saying that you’re a failer and not worth anything to anyone.

Before all this happened I was an out going and bubbly person who called a spade a spade and wasnt afraid to say boo to the goose.

Over the last two years every time I thought I had reached rock bottom in regards of the situation and how I am within myself, something has always come along to make me realise that there is always father to fall. I keep hitting new lows. And, now I’m worried that there will be a new, even deeper rock bottom to hit just around the corner.

Thats no way to live a life. Not one that means anything.

After everything thats happened its hard to understand that only you can make the best out of any given situation. No ones going to wave a magic wand and make sure it’s all going to be roses.

It works when your five and your parents can still sort everything out with a few well-chosen words. But, as a fully grown adult you have to learn to say the words to yourself. and, out them into action.

Thats something I’m out of practice on.

For example by the age of twenty I was a shop supervisor with a team of five people working under me. Now four years later I can barely go outside on my own.

So my advisor at the job center decided to send me on a “Picking up the pieces” course run by one of the local collages. So after a sleepless night, last monday I talked my little brother into taking me to the sign on day.

He got talked into it because the rooms being used for the course are situated in the Blackpool Football Club stadium. He could go and player spot while I got on with filling in the forms.

So just over a week later I have been to two days of the course. GEtting there on my own after being dumped by my little bro in favour of the evil ex and his soon to be wife who’s been with him less than six months.

Getting there was a complete nightmare thanks to having to get the bus and the golf happening in my town.

Sitting in the corridor they call a waiting room also not much fun, to be lead into a largish room where four of us and a teacher sat around a table.

I just wanted to leave and never look back. But somehow I managed to stay there. My hands really didn’t think me for it. I was so uncomfortable and anxious that I rubbed my hands red raw. Even with using a hand gel to try to stop it hurting.

At least I don’t have any hard skin on my hands at the moment.

By the end of the three-hour session where everyone let a little slip about why their there and what they want to be able to do in the next week, month and year I had relaxed enough to be able to sit on my hands and not have them doing their best to rub against something.

Although when we had a break about half way through the three hours I came very close to walking away and not looking back.

So after the second day I was still ready to leave at break time.

but again I stuck with it and made to the end of the session. After a few exercises that were meant to help build up a confident extirer. Turns out that I have very confident and assertive body langauge when I’m relaxed. But it’s so big that if you wanted to my body langauge could be taken as aggressive. Which could explain why in a lot of the reports filed against me in court which meant that I couldn’t look after son, they said my body langauge was aggressive and non-helpful.

But tis not something I ever thought about. its just the body langauge I have always had.

When I’m in the class I do feel better and more like I can do what needs to be done to make life better for myself. But as soon as I leave and go into the big bad world it all seems to just blow away with the ever-present wind in Blackpool.

By the time I get through with the journey home, the waiting for the bus, the bus ride and then getting back into the house I’m back to being a nervous wreck who cant wait to be back in her pit.

Well we have a few more weeks of the course to go. you never know by the end of it i may be able to get home with out turning into a nervous wreck. And if that happens well I’ll treat myself a lovely big KFC banquet. Even though the shop is next to the bus stop i use, i havent gone in yet.

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